I have nowhere else to really vent my dilemna so if you choose to read this post, please don't judge me or think I am a spoilt brat, its just something I need to get off my chest.
S and I are due to head back to Japan in October for 10 days given that our first trip aka the honeymoon, was marred by The Earthquake (I still think of it in captial letters). If you are a long time reader of this blog then you will know that S and I were in Tokyo for all of 20 minutes when The Earthquake struck. It was pretty traumatic time for us (and the Japanese people obviously) and we ended up cutting our trip short and coming home 5 days early.
S and I loved the Japan and absolutely everything about it - the people, the scenery, the food, the customs ... its all so wonderful. We were so disappointed to leave however with everything in Tokyo closed, rolling blackouts and a nuclear threat, it wasn't fair for us to stay and put extra pressure on a country grieving and trying to recover in addition to causing stress and worry to our family by staying.
S and I both agreed on our return that we would go back to Japan some day and finish what we started. So me in all my wisdom jumping the gun, booked flights during a sale in early May to head back in October thinking all would have settled and this would be great timing.
Well now peoples, I AM FREAKING OUT! In that past few weeks there have been earthquakes in the US and Pacific Islands, hurricanes and tropical storms all over along with ongoing aftershocks and a typhoon in Japan this past weekend. My inlaws were also particularly helpful, screening a doco about the Japan earthquake featuring experts predicting that the biggest was yet to come. Don't get me wrong, they meant well but its not really the kind of viewing I need right now is it?
So I hadn't realised until now that I haven't really faced how much experiencing The Earthquake affected me since being home. I still have some nightmares occasionally and experience a little anxiety but didn't think this was too major given what a terrifying experience it was and that at the time, I was sure S and I were going to die - I know this sounds dramatic but it truly was my experience and one I even emailed my sis about not long after The Earthquake.
Our holiday for October is all booked and paid for including accommodation in Osaka, Tokyo and Kyoto but I am feeling like I really really don't want to go. I am near tears everytime I think about being back in Japan and I know I will not cope well if there is any ground shaking while I am there.
My dilemna is that we will lose a substantial amount of money to cancel (obviously my travel insurance is not going to cover me being a fraidy cat) but more importantly, S is so excited about it and feeling no anxiety at all so I feel bad to dampen his enthusiasm especially as I was the one who booked the holiday and pushed for it in the first place. I know he will cancel if I tell him how anxious I am but I don't want to spoil things for him and regret not going. I also don't want to let one experience cause me to fear travelling and seeing the world.
So what do I do... do I suck it up and go and possibly have a wonderful time or do I give into my fear and stay home disappointing S?
Put like that, I can see a pretty clear answer but I guess I just need reassurance and I don't want to worry my family by talking about this. Thanks for reading my vent, it feels a little better to at least put my feelings out there.